trying to look on the bright side

As much as I talk about how life sucks on this blog, I want to use this to remember that my life doesn't suck :) My life is far from sucking and I need to be remember to be grateful for all the blessings that have been poured out on me.

I will choose to praise my God even though I feel as though I'm being drug through the valley.
I will choose to be a blessing, an advocate for God's love.
I will choose to use my struggles to strengthen my faith, not weaken it.

So as I say that, I'm starting to feel as though I have my answer as to why God has me here and not there (like I was blubbering about in my last post). I think I've known for a long time. But I'm still not sure I'm ready to accept it. It's funny, cause as frustrated as I can get with not knowing every detail of God's plan for my life, I DO KNOW that that is what is best. Cause everytime God reveals one tiny little morsel of this huge plan I'm like, "Really? Nah...I don't think so." And I hem and haw over it for waaay too long. It's silly really. Like when God first told me to go to Uganda, it was a good...oh...six months before I was like, "Allllllright. I get it. I'm going, I'm going." And then it was another four months before I even mentioned it to my parents. Silly.
So this new development (which actually is not so new, like I said) is still simmering in my brain. And I won't reveal it until I'm ready to, so don't bug me people :)

I'm glad my God knows that it takes time with me. I'm glad that He can be patient with me even when I can't be with Him. I'm glad that He will continually love me and do what's not only best for me but what will be so perfectly fit to me it could only be credited to him. I'm glad that even through my all too wavering faith in Him, He will always be there.

i need africa in my lungs again

I need Africa in my lungs again.
I need to feel Uganda on my skin.
My heart is constantly breaking.
Constantly longing to be back to its home.
Often times on my way to work, the time where it's just me...I just cry.
Still.
It has been a year since I was there.
A YEAR.
And I'm still crying.
But now, along with my crying, I'm starting to get angry. Sometimes really angry.
I look at the pictures and listen to the stories and read of others who are getting to return to my heart's home. And I cry and I get angry. Because I know I have years and years until I will able to return.

"What are you doing to me, God?"
"Why them and not me?"
"Why do you have me here?"

Most of the time it is a battle with my heart and my head to trust in my God and his plan for my life. My heart keeps telling me this is not where I belong, somewhere along the line, something got messed up. I'm supposed to be in Uganda. But my head tells me that God knows what He's doing, He has proved time after time that His plan is much better than my own.


I'm clearly missing something, right? Right?
I've gotta be here for a reason;I would like to think that I'm going through all this for something.
It can't be that I'm here simply for Ryan to finish school. It just can't be.
I know my God has made me for more than that.
Much much more.
I've dared to dream big.
Much bigger than most would say is rational.
They better not be right.
This all better be worth it.

One year ago today, was my first day of looking after David and Patience. I had already fallen completely in love with my little Phoebe and was about to be swept off my feet by David and Patience. And I was foolish enough to think I would be able to return to my every-day life after leaving Uganda.

e sesh. as in engagement pictures for all you not active in the wedding-blogging world

EEEEE!!!
I cannot even contain my excitement.
Not today.
Not yesterday.
Not last night when I was desperately trying to fall asleep.

Why you ask?

Well.....Ryan and I took our engagement pictures yesterday with the incredibly talented Bryan Laubhan and Kelly Mae Stier with Bryan Laubhan Photography.

When I say incredibly talented...I mean like ridiculously, stupidly, specatular-creativity-oozing-from-their-ears kind of incredibly talented.
No. Really. They are.

We all had so much fun.
[despite the thousands upon thousands of bugs]
And I CANNOT WAIT to get our pictures. But I'm gonna have to wait 2 to 3 weeks. I'm not so sure I'm gonna make it.

BUT, Mae and Bryan gave us a little preview.
A one picture preview.
Ooooooo. I hope that one picture can keep me content until we get to see the rest of them.

And it just may, because it is spectacular.
be sure to click on the picture to see it in its full-size majestic beauty



















See?
You're drooling aren't you.
I told ya they were good.

Be sure to visit their blog and oogle and google and "ooooo" and "ahhhhh" over all the dreamy images.
And then hire them :)

got freedom? thank a veteran!

Happy Memorial Day!

I'm super patriotic.
I love my country.
I love where I live, where I came from.I am truly proud to be an American.
And I know that all of that is possible because of people who have fought for our freedom.

THANK YOU VETERANS AND THOSE CURRENTLY SERVING!

you capture: sky

mmmmm, I love when the daises at my parent's house are in bloom.
Daises are my all-time favorite flower.
"Don't you think daises are just the friendliest flower?"
[name that movie]
Yes, yes I do.

And I love watching them reach into the sky. Stretching out to the sun.

leave it to the song artist

I was just sitting.

The moment strangely reminisciant of my time in Uganda.

I was missing those adorable babies.

Wanting to cuddle and kiss them.



And then this song came on my pandora.


Brooke Fraser said the words that I was trying to say here, but soooo much better. When I posted that blog, I was worried people would think that I meant "burden" as a bad thing. Which was I was not trying to say. At all. I was trying to say....


"Now that I have seen, I am responsible.
Faith without deeds is dead.
Now that I have held you in my arms,
I cannot let go til you are


I am on a plane,
Across a distant sea.
But I carry you with me.
And the dust on, the dust on, the dust on my feet.

I will tell the world.
I willl tell them where I have been.
I will keep my word."

I miss you Uganda. I miss you babies.
But I'll be back.
Someday.
I just know it.

you capture: depth of field

I had a sleepover last night with my 3 year old niece. She is absolutely adorable; extremely shy and anxious around new people and situations (which you can see when she twirls her hair around her little fingers). She keeps to herself most of the time, but always has that look on her face that makes you wonder exactly what is going through her 3 year old mind. And when she does talk...well, she tends to say the cutest things. Take a look at a few of our conversations from last night:

Me: Seraya, do you know what time your bedtime is?
Seraya: Um...normally like 49.

Mom: What do you do at bedtime? (Trying to get a better idea of her bedtime routine)
Seraya: Uh, go to bed.

This morning, I wake up to wide-eyed Seraya right next to my face just looking at me.
Me: Oh, good morning Seraya! Have you been awake for a long time waiting for me?
Seraya: No. I sleep with my eyes open.
Me: So you're sleeping right now?
Seraya: [silence, just looks at me]



I was pretty excited about this week's challenge. It meant learning something new!
I read up on depth of field and how to change the aperture on my camera...only to discover my little ol' cybershot only allows for 2 aperture settings :(


I messed around with it for a while, and the 2 settings my camera had made little difference to the focus/fuzziness ratio (I'm so technical, impressive right?) and having it on manual mode greatly reduces the quality of my pictures. Which I could figure out how to change, but I just wasn't up for it.



So I had to settle for this semi-okay macro shot.
Don't get my wrong, the models (my niece with her awesome bed-head and her curious george stuffed animal) were adorable.

youcapture:DOF