i need africa in my lungs again

I need Africa in my lungs again.
I need to feel Uganda on my skin.
My heart is constantly breaking.
Constantly longing to be back to its home.
Often times on my way to work, the time where it's just me...I just cry.
Still.
It has been a year since I was there.
A YEAR.
And I'm still crying.
But now, along with my crying, I'm starting to get angry. Sometimes really angry.
I look at the pictures and listen to the stories and read of others who are getting to return to my heart's home. And I cry and I get angry. Because I know I have years and years until I will able to return.

"What are you doing to me, God?"
"Why them and not me?"
"Why do you have me here?"

Most of the time it is a battle with my heart and my head to trust in my God and his plan for my life. My heart keeps telling me this is not where I belong, somewhere along the line, something got messed up. I'm supposed to be in Uganda. But my head tells me that God knows what He's doing, He has proved time after time that His plan is much better than my own.


I'm clearly missing something, right? Right?
I've gotta be here for a reason;I would like to think that I'm going through all this for something.
It can't be that I'm here simply for Ryan to finish school. It just can't be.
I know my God has made me for more than that.
Much much more.
I've dared to dream big.
Much bigger than most would say is rational.
They better not be right.
This all better be worth it.

One year ago today, was my first day of looking after David and Patience. I had already fallen completely in love with my little Phoebe and was about to be swept off my feet by David and Patience. And I was foolish enough to think I would be able to return to my every-day life after leaving Uganda.