dreams.

Ryan and I are quite possibly the worst two people to be sharing a bed. Pretty much every night, one of us wakes the other up for one reason or another.
Like Ryan elbowing me in the face.
Or pushing me off the bed.

But most often, its because one of us is having a crazy dream.

Last week I woke Ryan up because people were in our kitchen.
After our chicken.
Because it was poisoned.
And oh shoot, we had chicken pot pie.
How did the chicken get poisoned?
Chicken crystals.

And a few days ago I woke up to find Ryan sitting on the edge of the bed, following something on the floor with his finger.
Our conversation went something like this:

Rye, what are you doing?
There's a bug.
WELL TURN ON THE LIGHT AND KILL IT.
[lays down] Nevermind.
No, not nevermind! Turn on the light and kill that bug!
There's not a bug.
Then what was it you were looking at?
Nancy! It was my scalp!
Your scalp?
[no answer]
Ryan! Turn on your lamp and see if there is a bug!
Nancy! There is nothing there.
Then what the heck were you following on the floor?
I don't remember.
Then please, turn on your light and see if it was a bug.
NANCY! IT WAS A PIECE OF WHAT MY HAIR GROWS OUT OF!
Ryan! You were not following your scalp across the floor!
[No answer]

And then he fell back asleep and I was stuck awake because the thought of a bug anywhere near me is enough to keep me up all night.

maybe

Ryan started school on Monday. And since I don't have a job yet, that leaves me home alone for most of the day. Which gives me a whole lotta time to think.

And I've been thinking...
Maybe my constant heart break is intentional.
Maybe it will never "go away" and that is all part of God's plan.
Like, He knew from the beginning of my life that He would send me to Kampala, Uganda in 2009 to have my heart broken. And that it would never be healed.

And I guess I'm okay with that.
Without the heartache, I'm no so sure I would feel so...called.
There would be no urge to do something.
Without the heartache, maybe many future orphans of the world would go on hopeless.
Maybe because of my heartache, I will be one to deliver His hope.

I always thought that one of these days I would get back to Uganda, and my heart would be at peace and I would be happy.
But maybe that's not the case.
Maybe I'll always be broken.
And maybe, that's exactly how I'm supposed to be.

freedom is here.

Worship.
It's incredible how refreshing it is.

My day consisted of...
Doing laundry.
Cleaning.
Writing thank-yous. [uh, the dreaded thank-yous]
Dealing with Ryan's all new kinds of sassy this morning.
Killing 4 bugs.
Being alone.
It wasn't the best day. [but hey, it wasn't that bad]

But come 2 o'clock, and I start playing my new Hillsong CD.
Ahhhh....like a breath of fresh air.
My saddened heart completely changes when worshiping.
When I worship I'm reminded that I serve a God much bigger than anything this world has to throw at me. That I worship a God greater than any heartache I experience. That I praise a God who knows exactly what He's doing with my measly life.

And today, I while I was worshiping and my "spirit" was being lifted out of its typical state of sadness, I began to think about those who don't believe in Christ. Where do they go when they are feeling down in the dumps? They have nothing REAL to put their faith into...I never want to know what that feels like.

I imagine it feels...

empty.

hopeless.

lonely.


Lord, thank you for finding me at the very beginning of "me."
I am truly grateful that I never have to know what my life would be like without You.
Let my life be a shouting proclamation of who You are. To show those who do not yet know.

And so it is

And so it is.
Life goes on.
Like it always does.
Regardless of what you want or intend to do.

So it is.

Last night, while hanging out with my husband's classmates, I heard someone ask the question, "If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?"
I sat there, wishing with all my heart that the question wouldn't make its way around the room to me. Because the tears are inevitable.
I hate that question.
Not because I don't know how to answer it, but because I know EXACTLY how to answer it. No hesitation. No time needed to think. I know where my heart is. Where I would go. And that question brings my mind right back to where my heart remains.

I remember sitting on that porch, rocking my little David to sleep. Crying. Praying. Wanting to never leave that moment. Trying so hard to burn into my brain every little detail so that I would never forget.[please disregard what I adoringly call my "bad Uganda hair plus I probably haven't showered yet today" appearance]

But here I am. Life goes on.
I still wish that I never had to leave that moment.
That it could have lived on forever.
But it does, in a way. In my heart.

I know it's for the better.
That I left, that is.
At least, that's what I tell myself.
God's up to something, and someday, I'll know what that something is.


Also, this post would have probably been more upbeat and a little less repetitive of most of my other posts if I had my camera available. Hopefully I'll find it soon and be able to show you some new-found favorite places :)

I'm baaaack, the sequel

Ahh....and I'm back.
It's a been a while since my last update, and I think it's an understatement to say I had an incredibly busy summer!
I planned a wedding. And did tons of the details all by myself. So that took forever.
But we're married now!
And then we went on our honeymoon to Isla Mujeres, Mexico. And it was fan-flippin'-tastic.

We moved just one short week (er, 4 days) after our honeymoon, so now we're in Philadelphia and absolutely loving it!! Ryan will start school on Monday, and maybe one of these days I'll get a real-world grown-up SUCKY job [which I'm excited about, can you tell?]
I hate posts like this. Ones like, "This is what I did. Then I did this. Now I'll do this." But now that everyone is caught up, I can get back to the real blogging that I like to do
[And hopefully I'll find my camera soon]