Ryan started school on Monday. And since I don't have a job yet, that leaves me home alone for most of the day. Which gives me a whole lotta time to think.
And I've been thinking...
Maybe my constant heart break is intentional.
Maybe it will never "go away" and that is all part of God's plan.
Like, He knew from the beginning of my life that He would send me to Kampala, Uganda in 2009 to have my heart broken. And that it would never be healed.
And I guess I'm okay with that.
Without the heartache, I'm no so sure I would feel so...called.
There would be no urge to do something.
Without the heartache, maybe many future orphans of the world would go on hopeless.
Maybe because of my heartache, I will be one to deliver His hope.
I always thought that one of these days I would get back to Uganda, and my heart would be at peace and I would be happy.
But maybe that's not the case.
Maybe I'll always be broken.
And maybe, that's exactly how I'm supposed to be.
Nancy, I know I comment on practically all of your posts, and I feel like I nearly always say the same thing, but really, I think God has totally fashioned our hearts out of the same stuff. and I'm glad. It's good to read someone's words and feel they could have been your very own. It's good to know that someone out there has the same brokenness, and is struggling to find God's purpose in it and use it to HIS glory. I love this Nancy. Love you.
ReplyDeleteNancy,
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here with tears in my eyes knowing how you feel and praying for peace for you. I KNOW that God does have plans for you and for Ryan, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you". What those are, are yet to be revealed and I know you know this. I also know how you feel. Each time I see a post on FB or read blogs from my friends in Haiti my heart wants to be there so badly but this is my life -here-with a man who so wants to change the world in "our corner". And so each time I am there a piece of me is left but God continues to use me here or there which He will do with you and for that I am thankful!
I am so thankful for you and your hear!
I know Nan, isn't it so hard! I have never been to a third world country and I have those feelings 24/7. I imagine they would be so much more intense having been there already and yearning to return.
ReplyDeleteI pretty much get down about so many minute details of this life through out my days, with each and every decision leaving me feeling guilty because there is so much hurt out there and here I am living my simple wonderful little life. It just makes every thing here seem so trivial and completely unimportant.
And yes, God definitely wants us to have our hearts stirred up all the time. I love picturing him laughing at me all the time, watching me worry about stuff like "oh shoot, what am I going to wear tomorrow, I don't have anything that fits!" I can just hear him saying, "boo hoo Emily" with a big smile on his face.