some days

Before you start: 

Don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED for those who are in Uganda. Please join me in lifting up Lovelyn and her group, along with their families, during their trip. Also, Dewey and Deb, who were fellow volunteers, who have headed back to work in the Kampala baby home for a few weeks as well. My friend, Anna, has returned from South Africa, but please continue to lift her up as adjusting to being back can be hard.

Also, I recieved permission from Lovelyn to use her pictures in this post.

A few months ago, I was invited to join, Lovelyn (who I was "introduced" to through my friend Anna, who I blogged about here) on a 2-week trip to Uganda. A trip filled with volunteering at various babies homes, feedings, and working with Katie, the "Amazima" girl. Naturally, my heart stopped beating. [duh]

But really, I think I started crying as I read the email. My heart, my sad and aching heart, was beyond thrilled. And then, almost as quickly as my heart started to soar, my hopes were dashed when my brain caught up and was like, "Oh hey. You don't have a couple thousand dollars just laying around, remember?" And I was like, "Shut up, you jerkface. I hate you."
So yes, I had to turn down the opportunity. Which killed me.

The group that I would have been joining is in Uganda right now.
They went to Watoto yesterday, the babies home in Kampala and the villages. The woman who invited me posted a few pictures on her blog of her and the group at the babies home, holding little precious rescued ones. And she posted this picture, which she took out in one of the Watoto villages.

 Look at "my" little Alex! She sure has grown, but is still just as cute! (Watoto has enacted some child privacy rules, so names and stories are no longer allowed to be shared, however Alex's story was featured on their website, so I'm allowed to use her name.) My first day at the baby home, I spent most the day holding Alex. She was the first one whose name I learned. I also quickly learned how much she hated eating pumpkin :)

It's soooo good to see pictures like that. Knowing that those beautiful little ones are being raised in a family, loving Jesus and going to school. Seeing the endless possibilities their futures hold, it's wonderful.

But at the same time, pictures like that can bring me crashing down. I see and hear stories all the time of people headed back to Uganda, people who have stayed there for months, and months, and months. Years even. I hear the stories of how fabulously fashioned God's plan is for their lives. I see them loving on those big-eyed brown faced children, and my heart aches.

And I can't help but think, 'Why not me?'

I know God's plan for me is good. I know that my life has tremendous purpose and meaning. I know God sees the desires of our hearts. But sometimes, just sometimes, it really doesn't feel that way. Sometimes, I just wonder why I'm here and not there. I feel like I'm doing nothing here. My presence is of so little value in this stupid city. I can't even get a dang job. No one wants to hire me. Not even Target. Not even Starbucks. STARBUCKS PEOPLE.
I thought I had it figured out, I thought I knew why I was here and not there.
But that plan didn't work out.

So I'm just left here.
Looking at pictures of what could be.

Do you ever just feel....forgotten?
I know God doesn't EVER forget his children, and I know I'm being kind of silly.
But really, sometimes, having faith is really hard. Trusting in a plan that you cannot see is really hard. My high school mentor, who has since turned into a trusted and faithful friend, once described God's plan as a huge mosaic puzzle. You know those ones where you have to slide the little squares all over the place until you get the final picture just right? And a lot of times you have to temporarily put a piece where it doesn't belong, so that the other pieces can find their home. I imagine God in the sky, working on this huge mosaic plan, sliding pieces all over so that eventually, everything will be in the right spot, just the way it's supposed to be. Each one of us represents a small piece in this large mosaic. Sometimes, we have to be swept over to the corner even though we know, we just know, we're meant to be in the middle. And we're like, "HEY! What about ME? I don't want to be over here! I'm a middle piece, remember?!" And God's all, "Oh hey. I run the universe. I know how to do this dang puzzle, and for now that's where I've put you. Trust me." Except He's probably a bit more eloquent than that, He is God for pete's sakes.

And I'm trying really hard to be content where I am. I purposefully read 1 Timothy the other day for my devotions, just so I could read 1 Timothy 6:6 "Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth"

Some days are just harder than others.